Parenting Tips
Couple Time
Parenting Styles
Parenting Style Chart
The Divorced Person’s Rules to Live By
How a woman can “have it all”
No shame...no blame: Promoting emotional intelligence
Top Ten Way to RAISE RESPONSIBLE CHILDREN
What to say instead of “NO!”
Top 10 Ways to keep our kids from fighting (pdf)
Ten Reasons for NOT Hitting Children (pdf)
Remember to schedule... Couple Time (download pdf)
Your children will always need your time and attention. It may be hard to find time with your partner, but it’s important to make time for each other. Spend some of this time relaxing and talking openly with each other about what makes you happy and what is bothering you.
Here are some suggestions many couples have found useful:
Set Up A Date - Set aside some time (or times) each week when you can be together
without interruptions.
Use “I” Messages - Say how you are feeling without blaming someone else. Make sure you put yourself in your communication. Say “I feel...” not “You make me feel....” Avoid using the words “always” and “never.” Instead of saying “You always put me down,” say “I feel put down when....” By using “I” messages, your partner is less likely to feel blamed or threatened.
Be Direct And Specific - Say what you mean. Don’t expect your partner to be able to guess or read your mind about what is bothering you. Instead of saying “The living room has been looking messy lately,” say “I feel upset when papers and magazines are left in the living room.” Instead of saying “I get tired of always cooking (doing the dishes),” say “It would help me if you could cook (do the dishes) each night.”
Avoid The Question Trap - Questions can be accusing. Instead of asking “Why didn’t you call to tell me you’d be late?” say “I was worried that something had happened to you when you didn’t come home at the usual time. Next time, please call me so I won’t worry.”
Be Sure To Listen - Look at your partner and really listen to what he/she is saying, even if it’s a complaint. Give your partner a chance to air feelings and gripes. Don’t interrupt, jump to conclusions, think about what you’ll say in response, or preach. Repeat back to your partner what he/she said, to make sure you really understood what they said.
You can say, “Let me see if I understand what you said. Are you saying that...?”
Compliment Each Other - End your couple time together on a positive note. Freely and honestly praise each other for things you’ve done right or that have made each of you happy. Honestly and lovingly praising each other every day will strengthen your relationship and help you through some of those demanding times with your children.
A counselor can help you practice better communication techniques. You don’t have to
wait for a crisis before seeking help. With the added demands of your children, it may be hard to find time to be with your partner. As difficult as it may be, it’s important to make time for each other.
Adapted from “Take Care of Yourself” in the Hawai‘i Department of Health’s
Keiki ‘O Hawai‘i booklet (page 38 at: www.theparentline.org/keiki.htm)
Parenting Styles (download pdf)
| DAD |
MOM |
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1.
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More often holds baby at arm’s length, makes eye contact, turns her back against his chest or props her shoulder underscoring a sense of freedom and exploration. |
1.
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More often picks up infant, wraps him close to breasts, limits movements, underscoring sense of comfort, calm, warmth, and security. |
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2.
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Spends more time with infant in play. |
2.
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Spends more time with infant in physical care (feeding, changing, bathing, etc.). |
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3.
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Often picks up infant just to “make something happen.” |
3.
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Picks ups infant mostly for infant’s care. |
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4.
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Is less predictable and more activating in physical style and interactions. |
4.
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Follows personal established patterns of physical style and interactions. |
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5.
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Encourages physical risk-taking. |
5.
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Stresses emotional security; physical safety. |
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6.
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Plays in less structured ways that push child to do more, challenge child to take risks, encourage child to be active and explore. |
6.
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Plays in more conventional ways, more at child’s level, lets child direct play, be in charge, proceeds at child’s pace, uses traditional games and songs. |
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7.
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Is more likely to promote young child’s intellectual and social development through physical play. |
7.
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Is more likely to promote child’s intellectual and social development through talking and teaching while caregiving. |
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8.
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Offers less immediate support when their child is frustrated, thus promoting adaptive problem-solving skills. |
8.
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Intervenes more quickly when their child is frustrated. |
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9.
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Disciplines with an interest in the societal outcome, more blunt, straight to the point. |
9.
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Disciplines with focus on impact of behavior on emotional relationships, more empathetic. |
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10.
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Teaches through example, emphasizing lessons learned from experience. |
10.
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Teaches with focus on the learning process. |
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11.
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Teaches emotional self-regulation. |
11.
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Focuses on emotional expression. |
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12.
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Promotes exploratory freedom. |
12.
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Promotes emotional awareness. |
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13.
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Promotes independence outside home. |
13.
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Promotes independence inside home. |
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14.
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Tends to focus on child’s “doing” behaviors. |
14.
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Tends to focus on child’s “feeling” behaviors. |
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15.
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Emphasizes autonomy and independence, even in early years. |
15.
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Is more ambivalent about autonomy and independence until elementary years. |
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(Based on Fatherhood by M. Lamb)
Web resources: www.mrdad.com; fathers.com; fatherhood.org; newdads.com
| Parenting Style Chart (download pdf) |
| Parenting Style |
The Guide, The Leader
(Authoritative) |
The Boss
(Authoritarian) |
The Servant, The Bystander
Permissive) |
| The parents... |
Are approachable, reasonable, and flexible.
• Attempt to direct the child’s activities, but in a rational, issue-oriented manner.
• Don’t regard themselves as infallible or divinely inspired. |
Are frequently uncompromising, dictatorial, strict, and repressive.
• Attempt to shape, control, and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of the child in accordance with some kind of absolute standard (often theologically motivated). |
• Are often passive, weak, inconsistent, and yielding.
• Consult with the child too much about policy decisions and give too many explanations for family rules.
• Don’t ask the child to clean or take on many household responsibilities.
• Allow the child to regulate his own activities as much as possible. |
| The child... |
• Is encouraged to think and to be a participant in the family. |
• Must obey! |
• Is subtly encouraged to control others.
• Is left to follow their own wants and instincts. |
| The power... |
• Is shared between parents and child. |
• Is with the parents. |
• Is firmly in the hands of the child. |
| Life at home can be... |
• Relaxed.
• Orderly.
• Consistent |
• Tense.
• Rigid.
• Oppressive |
• Chaotic.
• Uncontrollable.
• Wild. |
| Discipline Tools... |
• Parents exert firm control at points of parent-child divergence but do not hem the child in with restrictions.
• Parents use reason as well as power to achieve objectives.
• Requests.
• Incentives.
• Consequences.
• Negotiation.
• Conflict resolution.
• Family councils.
|
• Parents value obedience as a virtue and favor punitive, forceful measures to curb self-will at points when the child’s actions or beliefs conflict with what parents think is correct conduct.
• Yelling.
• Commanding.
• Ordering.
• Rewarding.
• Punishing.
• Bribing.
• Threatening.
|
• Parents try not to exercise control and don’t encourage the child to obey externally defined standards.
• Parents are tolerant and accepting toward child’s impulses, using as little punishment as possible.
• Pleading.
• Waiting and wishing.
• Giving up and doing nothing. |
| The effect on the child... |
• Positively associated with independent, purposive, dominant behaving.
• Positively associated with good grades.
• Child develops self-discipline.
• Child is able to focus on the needs of the group. |
• Associated with low levels of independence and social responsibility as well as lower cognitive competence.
• Negatively associated with good grades.
• Child learns to obey out of fear of punishment.
• Child learns to subvert and manipulate underhandedly.
• Child is so used to being controlled that they doesn’t learn to develop self-control, and as a result can often be unruly and uncooperative when parents aren’t present. |
• Associated with lack of impulse control and social responsibility, as well as low levels of independence and self-reliance.
• Negatively associated with goodgrades.
• Lower social and cognitive
competence.
• Child becomes self-centered anddemanding.
• Child doesn’t learn the importance of consideration of others or of the needs of the group.
• Child develops little self-control. |
| The parent-child relationship... |
• Close, respectful, and marked by sharing and communication.
• Parents encourage verbal give and take, and share with the child the reasoning behind the policy.
• Encourages the child’s independence and individuality.
• Recognizes the rights of both parents and children. |
• Cold, rigid, and based on fear.
• Verbal interchange between parent and child is discouraged. Instead, children are taught to blindly accept the parents’ word on the way things ought to be.
|
• Distant and often marked by
resentment and manipulation.
• Parents make few demands for mature behavior and without limits the child can feel unloved and uncared for. |
|
Adapted from The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the Toddler Years, Armin A. Brott, 1998, pp. 86-89.
The Divorced Person’s Rules to Live By (download pdf)
Develop a long-range perspective. Keep in mind that parental efforts often are not appreciated by children for years. Yet eventually children come around to understanding and appreciating the parent who has never given up and never abandoned them even through barriers for contact.
Keep separate your issues with the other parent and your issues with your children.
Keep focused on your relationship with your children and make a commitment to direct your efforts toward what is truly in the best interests of the children. Do not allow frustration and anger with the other parent to dictate your actions and attitudes towards your children.
Emphasize to your children that you speak only for yourself and cannot speak for the other parent. Do not try to explain the other parent’s behavior to the children. Refer them back to the other parent for clarification. Do clarify for children how you see the differences between you and the other parent without evaluation of the other parent.
Do not interfere with your children’s relationship with the other parent. Assume that the children want a relationship with both parents and will avoid at all costs the appearance of disloyalty in the eyes of either parent. Do not place your children in the position of having to choose between parents; do not put them in the position of having to show partiality. CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS.
Do not expect reform in the behavior of the other parent. Be realistic, accept that this person is not going to change, and go about getting the best arrangements you can get in relation to your children.
Be persistent about negotiating from a position of caring and concern for the children; show sensitivity toward legitimate concerns stated by the other parent and let the other parent know you acknowledge such concerns.
Build good will if possible. Be quick to acknowledge reasonableness and cooperation when it occurs.
Be fair and helpful when it is possible. Do not, however, accede to unreasonable demands, and do not bend over backwards to be accommodating.
Identify and avoid destructive communication with the other parent. Exercise self control to stay out of exchanges around issues you know from experience become repetitive and without productive outcome.
Be clear and definite in your communication. State your understanding of the other parent’s position, make certain you have stated it accurately, and ask for confirmation. Then state your position. If you feel the exchange is becoming unproductive, state your desire to move on to the next topic.
Make clear what your objectives are in relation to your children and how you will know when you have achieved them. Do not state less than or more than what you want. Keep stating what you want and at least twice a year, write a letter summarizing how you see things and what you still want.
Do not threaten legal action.
Make clear that you intend to persevere by whatever kind of reasonable, dispute resolution methods you can.
Make clear that you are not going to give up and go away, and that the other parent will have to continue to deal with you.
Keep dialogue open about your children. Encourage the other parent to tell you about significant events, idiosyncrasies, special toys, relationships, educational, and medical problems. If the other parent is withholding information about these matters do not retaliate and do continue to keep the other parent informed without judgment.
If you must resort to litigation as a final measure, or if the other parent involves you in legal action, give warning before taking each step.
From www.ParentingTime.net
How a woman can “have it all” (download pdf)
The most important career and life decision you will ever make
If you’re a woman who wants to “have it all”—a successful career, a satisfying marriage, and happy, healthy children—here’s how: Marry a man who will be happy to raise the children while you raise the money.
“What do men of any age need to change? When I did the research for Why Men Are The Way They Are,” says Dr. Warren Farrell, “I discovered that the key question for most men is ‘Will you respect me on payday?’ If he feels you value his time with the children more than his paycheck, he makes a shift; his assumption that he must earn more often evaporates almost as quickly as your assumption that he must earn more.
“Many men’s motivation to be a full-time dad involves becoming a different dad than their dad had the opportunity to be. Younger men have often grown up without Dad (raised by single moms), and older men with minimal Dad. Mid-career men, often burned out with work, sometimes need to see just one successful person take parental leave to be inspired to do the same.
“Single women often fear that the men they are going out with wouldn’t be comfortable with less career and more child. Perhaps. If a woman selects for a man with a lot of career ambition, she’ll get what she selected.
“The Solution? Choose among men who would love to be married to a career woman who valued his being home full-time with the children for a few years. Can’t find these men? State your interest on your Match.com profile....You’ll be surprised....such men are all over the place, waiting to be wanted.”
From Why Men Earn More: The Startling Truth Behind the Pay Gap—and What Women Can Do About It, Warren Farrell, Ph.D., 2005, p. 83.
No shame...no blame: Promoting emotional intelligence (download pdf)
It happens all the time.
Your kids have violated curfew, broken something, or made some other kind of mistake. And when you first find out, there's a lot of negative energy in the air.
While it’s easy to get angry, and shame and blame your kids, there's a better approach.
Take a deep breathe, and ask your child a series of questions:
What happened?
What did you do?
What were you feeling?
What did others do?
How could you have handled it differently?
These questions help parents to get to the bottom of the situation without shaming. When the information is shared, take some time before deciding the consequence.
And remember, “It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his child to be.” (Homer)
From: Mark Brandenburg’s Dads Don't Fix Your Kids Newsletter (www.markbrandenburg.com).
Top Ten Ways to RAISE RESPONSIBLE CHILDREN (download pdf)
In a media culture that doesn’t promote responsibility, here are some time-tested ideas on how to raise children to become responsible adults.
1. Start them with tasks and chores when they’re young. Young kids have a strong desire to help out—even as young as age two. They can do a lot more than you think if you have patience and let them do it their way.
2. Don’t use rewards with your kids. If you want your kids to develop an intrinsic sense of responsibility, they need to learn the “big picture” value of the things they do. They won’t learn that if they’re focused on what they’re going to “get.”
3.Use natural consequences when they make mistakes. If they keep losing their baseball glove, let them deal with the consequences. Perhaps they have to ask to borrow one for the game. Or, perhaps they have to buy a new one if it’s lost. If you rescue them every time they screw up, they’ll never learn responsibility.
4. Let them know when you see them being responsible. Specifically point out what you like about their behavior. This will make it more likely to continue to happen.
5. Talk often about responsibility with your kids. Make responsibility a family value - let them know it’s important.
6. Model responsible behavior for your kids. They’ll learn most of their responsible behavior from you. Remember that they have a VERY close eye on what you do.
7. Give them an allowance early in their life. Let them make their own money decisions from an early age. They’ll learn their lessons in a hurry.
8. Have a strong, unfailing belief that your kids are responsible. They’ll pick up on this belief and they’ll tend to rise to the level of expectation.
9. Train them to be responsible. Use role play and talk to them about exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them. It’s hard for kids to be responsible when they don’t know what it looks like.
10. Get some help and support for your parenting. At times it’s hard to know whether you’re being too controlling or too permissive as a parent. Talk to other parents, read books, or join parent support groups - whatever will help you feel like you’re not alone.
From: Mark Brandenburg’s Helping Men Succeed Newsletter (www.markbrandenburg.com).
What to say instead of “NO!” (download pdf)
| “That’s dangerous!” |
“People are not for hitting.” |
“I don’t like that.” |
| “That’s dirty.” |
“That’s not safe.” |
“The car could hit you if you go out into the street.” |
| “It will break.” |
“The dog might bite.” |
“I get scared when you play with wires because you could get hurt.” |
| “I’m tired. Please stop.” |
“Let’s go over here instead.” |
“I don’t want to have to clean that up.” |
|
The important thing is to tell your child exactly what the situation is. “No” doesn’t tell the child much. Tell your child how their action will affect them, or how it will affect you. Telling your child how it affects you is called an “I” message. The basic formula for the “I” message is:
“I feel (scared, worried, irritated, etc.) when (you climb up high, you hit baby, there’s noise, etc.) because (you could fall and get hurt, it hurts baby, I’m in a bad mood, etc.) . I want you to (climb only on the couch, touch the baby gently like this, play quietly, etc.).”
REMEMBER: If you say “No,” your child will learn to say “No.” If you tell your
child exactly what the situation is, your child will learn about that situation and
your feelings about it. They will learn to talk. They will learn to express their
feelings, and to recognize how others are feeling.
Adapted from information from Parents And Children Together’s Hana Like Home Visitor Program.
Web resources: www.mrdad.com; fathers.com; fatherhood.org; newdads.com
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